Celebrating Fathers: The Importance of Emotional Connection in Fatherhood

How do fathers connect with their kids? And why is it so different than a mother's connection. I recently came across an article that discusses the differences in how father's and mother's bond with their children. Well for one, their role is different but their ability and the ways in which they connect is different as well.

Nature intended for dads to provide. The nurturer in them is someone who supports the well-being of the family. In that way, they protect and support. Mamas do a little more nurturing but in the same token we are supposed to be different. Not better. Just different. In this post we will discuss three areas fathers hesitate to connect due to the vulnerability it creates for them. While that isn't a bad thing, it is something to recognize and acknowledge in our efforts to connect with them.

Provide

Fathers provide by giving us what we need. It is their way of helping us to evolve and grow. Their little humans need to learn how to provide in order for our species to survive. Fathers also teach our little ones how to thrive on their own to prepare for, big gulp here, when they leave us.

Often times, fathers naturally bond while providing safe space for their kids to feel loved and secure. In our house that looks like wrestling and rough housing with a few kid tosses here and there. And the occasional scare and screams down the hall. All embraced with giggles and pure joy. Until recently, I would mostly get annoyed when my husband would rough house with the girls before bed. I asked him about it the other night and he promptly cited an article discussing the physiological benefit, in roughhousing before bed, to helping them sleep. I will link it for you here. Until I read more about these studies, I thought he was just getting them riled so they wouldn't go to sleep. In actuality he is providing optimal opportunity for them to sleep well and have enough rest for the next day. Just not the way I would do it. Of course he is making it a little more fun for everyone.

Recently more research has shown young males to have less and less connections with others. Leading to isolation and depression among young men. This causes me to wonder, how much of the isolation stems from an innate need to provide and perhaps having limited connections that reveal the vulnerability around societal expectations to do so.

How much of the pressure we assert onto men as a society bleeds into self-esteem and identity? Among a father's many roles in society providing has historically been one of the top demands.

Why this matters:

Connections with other fathers and providers can allow for shared vulnerability about insecurities to do so. By supporting the fathers in our lives to thrive within those relationships, we are giving them a green light to share their concerns and embrace the unknown pressures that can arise. Share more about how you support the fathers in your life to do so in the comments below.

Protect

The need to protect is primal and can be overwhelming at times. We see it in the wild and in most families, fathers take a back seat post. Typically going with the flow and moving through life to support the families they've helped build. The second that family is threatened, they morph into a whole other being. When using conversation cards to learn more about each other, and connect, my husband and I answered a question about our biggest fear in our relationship. I thought our answers showed interesting differences in the way we love. His stemmed more around his inability to protect me from something happening when he wasn't around or was out of his control. In that moment I realized, his first instinct is to protect me and our family.

As a father protection is not just rescuing their loved ones from danger. It can also be about arming their young and relatives with key elements to continue their survival. Fathers are good educators of trades and tools to be successful. What pressures exists in this need to pass down knowledge. Is it innate in their growth and learning that men pass down what they know? Or do fathers get together on their down time, grab a beer and teach each other things like sports, tinkering around the house, updating their lawns, or cars in the hopes they can share what they learn with their young and families? The pressure for them to protect loved ones not only comes from a combination of knowledge gained through experience, but also seizing an opportunity to connect with loved ones by sharing what they have learned.

I overheard my husband the other day discussing security camera tech with one of our neighbors. They both work in civil service jobs so I thought it was some first responder garb. As I thought about it later in the context of this post, it occurred to me that they likely have a propensity to connect over their value to protect their family. In that conversation there is an underlying need to connect about their ins and outs, and concerns about what they have set up for their families.

Definitely something to think about. Men who are not yet fathers, would that be useful? Is that something that men share? Are you able to teach each other various skills to protect yourself and or the future family you will provide for? We'd love to hear our thoughts in the comments below.

Support

How much of connection comes from a place of support, and how much of it ensures them they are not alone? The overgeneralized social narrative is that most dads tend to be an aloof dad who is around, and just doing the bare minimum to exist in their families. I tend to disagree with that narrative. My experience has been that most fathers have an immense pressure to support their own. They have a continual identity crisis going on internally that is shielded from the rest of the world, except only to a few. Often times their vulnerabilities only revealed to a few close friends or confidants who share the same fears and concerns in a very casual, yet serious way. One story I've experienced is my own father foregoing his professional dream as a basketball coach to pursue accounting. While he was very successful, it was not lost on me that my dad felt pressure to support our family needs above his own. I often see the same traits in other men in my life.

Where does this pressure to support come from? Is it socially created or is it a natural evolution from our ancestors? I still grapple with this answer, and continue to see men, fathers or not, struggle with the pressures bestowed upon them by the world.

In my experience men tend to be better at stepping back from a situation and removing the emotion. They process situations in a very different way. Typically, pragmatic and solution oriented. To their credit, they want so badly to solve the problem. Whether we want them to or not. My sense is this automatic response gives them the feeling they are contributing and providing support to their loved ones. My husband now comes to me with a question, "do you want a solution or for me just to listen?" Which then gives me the feeling of support without the pressure to make my response about him.

In their minds, support is a three-step solution provided where they create options and can allow us to move on to the next thing in life. For the fathers who have gone through the often emotionally, overstimulated wife snapping grinder enough or pushed the wrong buttons, you've learned the hard way. Though, there are a few who like pushing the wrong buttons. I'm inclined to think those who choose it say it feels like a challenge to see how far they will get through said wife grinder. Challenge accepted.

Then again, most avoid the grinder, adapting their support roles to one with a more emotional presence. Nevertheless, they are there. To support mom just as much as they are there for the kids. Their role is different, although equally as important, in the lives of our young people, families and friends. Colleagues need them, friends look forward to hanging with them, and families depend on them to support and be the backbone of any familial institution.

Share more about the support you have in your life in the comments below.

Conclusion

With Father's Day just passing us by, it seems if anything we should acknowledge the immense pressure they are consistently under and applaud them for the resilience to continue on. Despite the consistent, and mostly humorous, jabs they receive poking at their incompetence or unwillingness to participate compared to their baby bearing counterparts. Whether they are doing their best to provide, working to support, or simply protecting their own allow them what they need to connect with you. They wouldn't be there if they weren't looking for it.

If you have a father in your life, let them know it's ok to be vulnerable. Encourage them to connect with others about their fears, concerns, losses and wins. Besides, what's wrong with a little accountability in being real and taking care of yourself?

Like this post and want to learn more, check out our website for additional resources or tools to connect with yourself or those you love.