Coping with Your Partner’s Sadness, Fear, and Anger in the Fire Service

3 days ago6 min read

The fire service lifestyle has high stakes, emotional intensity, and unpredictability. For firefighters, navigating sadness, fear, and anger often comes with the job. However, witnessing these emotions can feel overwhelming for their partners, leaving them unsure how to help or cope. Understanding how to navigate these challenging emotions together can strengthen your bond and create a supportive foundation in your relationship.

Couples can build resilience and connection even under challenging emotions by incorporating Dr. John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In today's article, we will touch on each area. Check out our series over the next few months as we go more in-depth with each of the seven principles.

Understanding Emotional Responses in the Fire Service

Firefighters experience situations that most people never will—tragedy, danger, and stress are routine parts of the job. These experiences can evoke strong emotions, such as:

Sadness: From witnessing loss or feeling the weight of a difficult call.
Fear: Especially after a near-miss or a high-risk situation.
Anger: At systemic challenges, team conflicts, or the inability to control outcomes.

As a partner, understanding that these emotions are normal responses to abnormal circumstances can help you empathize and respond effectively. Using Gottman's 7 Principles to make marriage work, we can frame the tools used to support each other when communication and connection become more complicated.

How to Support Your Partner Through Tough Emotions

1. Build Love Maps

Gottman’s first principle, “Build Love Maps,” emphasizes knowing your partner's inner world. Take time to understand what triggers their sadness, fear, or anger and how they prefer to cope. Ask questions like:

“What’s been weighing on you after this shift?”
“What can I do to support you when you’re feeling this way?”

Remember that your partner's response may not be something you agree with. As difficult as it can be, respecting their requests for support can show trust and develop a stronger bond. Knowing these details will help you respond with empathy and meet their emotional needs.

2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration

When emotions run high, it’s easy to focus on frustrations. Remind yourself of your partner’s strengths and the qualities you admire. Share affirmations such as:

“I’m so proud of how you handle such a tough job.”
“You’re courageous, even when you feel afraid.”

We often fight invisible battles and don't want to burden our partners. Nurturing positive regard can help us stay connected during difficult times and even support each other in ways we may not realize we need.

3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away

One of the most critical principles, “Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away,” involves recognizing and responding to bids for connection. When your partner expresses sadness, fear, or anger, turn toward them with support:

If they say, “I’ve had a rough day,” respond with curiosity: “Tell me more about it.”
Offer physical affection, such as a hug or holding their hand.

Turning toward each other can look different for everyone. In general, first responders aren't going to want to rehash something difficult. While encouraging them to talk about it with someone can be helpful, it can lead to feelings of insignificance as a spouse if that person is not you. Learn more about their needs when they express a rough day. Do they need time alone to process, or a bit more grace when they are more easily disturbed at home? Even small gestures of acknowledgment can make a significant difference.

4. Let Your Partner Influence You

When your partner is processing intense emotions, allow their needs to shape how you respond. This principle works well with the previous principle and encourages collaboration and openness:

If they need to vent, listen without interrupting or offering solutions.
If they need space, respect their boundaries but remind them you’re available.

As we mentioned, each first responder has different needs when processing their time at work. Sometimes, it may be as simple as allowing them 15 minutes of space once they get home to transition from work to home mode. Or get a read on where they are by asking a simple question like, "How was your night?" Letting their emotional state guide your approach fosters trust and teamwork.

5. Solve Solvable Problems

While you can’t solve the stressors of the fire service, you can address practical challenges together. For example:

Create routines that help your partner decompress after shifts, such as quiet time or a favorite activity.
Discuss strategies for handling job-related stress without letting it overwhelm your relationship.

Even recognizing that you can't solve all of the problems you are both having can alleviate some pressure, create connections, and build support for you both. Focusing on the micro issues and ways to solve them can alleviate considerable tension and allow you to focus on what you can control to support one another.

6. Overcome Gridlock

Identify the underlying dreams or values driving each perspective if recurring conflicts arise—such as how much to discuss work at home. For instance:

Your partner may want to talk about their day to feel supported.
You may feel overwhelmed and need boundaries to protect your mental health.

There is conflict in significant relationships. The difference in sound and great relationships often resides in the couple's ability to overcome gridlock. Getting to acceptance when there is conflict can allow space for a compromise to reveal itself. Finding a compromise that honors both needs can strengthen your bond.

7. Create Shared Meaning

Gottman’s final principle, “Create Shared Meaning,” encourages couples to build a sense of purpose together. In the context of fire service life, this might include:

Supporting each other’s roles and contributions to the family.
Finding ways to celebrate small victories, like a tough week overcome together.
Creating rituals reinforcing connection, such as a weekly date night or morning coffee together before shifts.

There are numerous ways to create shared meaning in the lifestyle of firefighters. The hard part can be prioritizing time to create opportunities. Shared meaning allows you to stand on solid ground together to face what life throws at you. By identifying a sense of purpose, you allow each other to reveal what is most important to you as a couple, not just individuals. (i.e., family time, vacation time, short/long term goals, etc.)

Strategies for Coping as a Couple

1. Create Rituals for Decompression

Having a post-shift routine can help your partner transition from work mode to home life. This might include:

A quiet moment together with no distractions.
A walk, workout, or other physical activity to release tension.
Journaling or talking about the day before shifting to lighter topics.

The point is to find what works and use it. Remember, what works may shift as your life and family grow. Be open to flexibility and change regarding a routine, as is usual in a firefighter marriage.

2. Build a Culture of Emotional Safety

Encourage openness by fostering a relationship where emotions can be expressed without judgment. Share your feelings, too, to model vulnerability and mutual support. Allow grace when emotions are high. Remember to approach tense issues with curiosity in place of judgment or contempt.

3. Set Boundaries Around the Job

While being there for your partner is essential, creating space for your relationship outside of the fire service is equally important. Plan activities that help you reconnect and focus on joy, such as date nights, hobbies, or family time. Allow time to develop your identity as a couple outside of the fire service. Believe it or not, time in the fire service is not permanent. Creating a healthy identity away from the service can support your transition as a couple when that time comes for you to move on.

4. Seek Professional Support When Needed

If your partner’s emotions feel overwhelming or persistent, encourage them to seek help from a counselor, therapist, or peer support group. Many fire departments offer resources for mental health and wellness. As a partner, you can also benefit from therapy to process your emotions and gain tools for navigating the challenges of fire service life.

Please stick with us as we go in-depth on each of Gottman's Seven Principles to Make a Marriage Work. Over the next few months, we will dive deep into how these principles can be applied, share applicable tools for practice, and provide additional opportunities to take your work a step further by sharing our resources.

If you like this post and want to learn more, visit our website for additional resources or tools to connect with yourself or those you love.