Fire Wife & New Mom: 5 Ways to Thrive (Not Just Survive)

Today's post discusses postpartum self-care, managing expectations, and leaning on your spouse and support network. Bringing a child into the world comes with many challenges. When one of the parents is a first responder, the challenges become significantly more intense.

Living as a first responder spouse, there are good and bad days, but primarily tests, which I pass or fail miserably. Over the years, I have learned how to move through the failures and celebrate the successes, but each day is new, and like any gauntlet, I've become more familiar with the obstacles I'm facing.

Navigating the world of parenting can be overwhelming. There is so much advice out there. Find what works for you, use it, and leave the rest. Comparison is the thief of joy when it comes to raising kids. The same goes for recovering, supporting your needs, and growing as your family changes.

We're sharing five tips that have helped us navigate growing a first responder family. We hope they help, and if nothing applies to you, thanks for reading! Keep doing your thing and thriving as a first responder spouse. Let's get to it!

#1 Listen to your body

The first piece of advice I received during my pregnancy was to listen to my body, pay attention to my needs, and recognize my limits. The hard part was remembering that limits are signals, not signs of weakness or boundaries.

Postpartum is just the same. Listening to your body is essential. This goes for mom and dad. Both partners share responsibility in paying attention to their needs and communicating them to each other. There are several research-based recommendations we will not discuss here. We encourage you to do your research and find the medical advice that works best for you. We will share what worked for us to enhance communication and give ourselves the right amount of self-care to get through the challenging transition.

Mom, pay attention to your body. The signals it sends you just let you know what it can and can't do. Childbirth is no light activity. You literally grew a human and birthed it out of your body. A need to take a break is entirely normal. And Dad, you are now responsible for yourself, your partner, and a little person, too! Congratulations! It is no small feat, with a great deal of pressure. Welcome! Allow someone to support you; pressure to support a family is real. It's okay to ask for help.

Communicating and regular check-ins are helpful. Our most significant piece of advice is to allow each other to have a chance to tap in or out when necessary. When one parent needs a moment to gather themselves, let them, even if it means offering the tap-in when you don't feel like it. A simple five-minute reset can make a world of difference. We listed which duties went to which parent for on-shift and off-shift days. Typically, it would all fall on me while he was gone, but he would be sure to tap in when he got home.

Our bodies are very intuitive. We can recognize danger and sense when something is not right. As a mother, you will have gut reactions regarding your needs and your new baby's needs. Tune into them and go from there. Dad, don't beat yourself up if you miss something, regroup and get back in there. Be careful of expecting too much, though, as it can lead to missing the present moment as it is.

#2 Managing Expectations

In addition to your already intense transition, you're doing it on a first responder schedule. My husband and I spent exactly two weeks with our firstborn before he went back on shift. Some people get even less. When he returned, we were beginning to come up for air (I mean sleep). Ladies, I almost called 911 on my first night alone but didn't. I opted for a close second and called my mother. The baby was crying for two hours, and nothing I tried was working. I was alone, panicked, and inexperienced, really. Luckily, nothing was wrong. My fantastic mother calmed me, which calmed the baby. I was learning the user manual for my little one and had misplaced the instructions. Oh, right, no instructions included. That was when my husband and I had the "it's ok to call 911." conversation.

For some reason, I thought I would embarrass my husband if I called 911 as a panicked parent with a crying baby and no off button. The good news is that is so far from the truth! Our partners and most of their coworkers are familiar with panicked parents' 3 a.m. phone calls and condone a call from us to get support.

Just because we are married to them doesn't mean we are bulletproof from the same issues and concerns as the rest of the world. So, by showing some vulnerability and admitting we have no idea what we are doing by calling 911 in the middle of the night when we have a two-week-old who won't stop crying, we will get a pass.

Adjusting our expectations about what we can manage plays a significant role in feeling successful and maintaining control over the changes in our lives. People value security, and when we think we're not meeting our expectations, it creates doubt and undermines our trust in our parenting abilities. Try to find common ground with your partner on what to expect when they are home and what to expect when they are on shift. They likely won't be the same, and that is entirely normal.

#3 Give yourself grace

Let's examine what normal looks like when our partner is a first responder. It involves ongoing change, challenges, sacrifices, meeting others' needs, and fulfillment—all similar to what it takes to raise children, but with younger individuals and sometimes different conversations.

This is where I coach my clients to have two sets of expectations, one for on-shift days and one for off-shift days. Some areas are similar, but for others, they are not, and for good reason. To avoid disappointment. The definition of disappointment is "a negative emotion that occurs when expectations or hopes are not met." Giving ourselves grace allows us to identify where our expectations were met and be satisfied with that success. It also allows us to adjust where our expectations may be too high and determine realistic levels for change.

There will be days when the stars align and everything works out. There will be days where shit goes down, and getting to tomorrow is your win for the day. Check it off and move on. Dwelling on your failures as a parent and spouse to a first responder only fosters doubt, which, if left unchecked in your mind for too long, can lead to negative self-talk and damaging self-esteem. As parents, we must be the best part of ourselves to give our kids the best, right? By providing yourself grace, you build a better parent for your kids as you move forward.

#4 Building your network

As we work to be a better parent, we will also want to build a network around us. For some, this is family; for others, this network comprises coworkers, a boss or two, neighbors, or a city bus driver. Whatever your network looks like, it isn't necessarily the people who will take your kids in when you need help. It can include those people, sure. Your network is the people who allow you to be who you need to be when your partner is on shift. They recognize the struggle and juggle act you have to do on a rolling basis.

They support your need to change your schedule for the millionth time or recognize you need a little grace today. They remind you that you are doing a phenomenal job keeping a human alive while navigating and transitioning your old normal to your new normal. They could be the mom friend who comes over to have a breast pump party and might compare milk volume while your babies lay on the floor together.

Figure out who the people in your network are for you and hold on to them. It might be one person, and that is okay. It might just be you, and that's okay, too. Consult with yourself once a month to determine how your network is doing and call it a "place of grace."

#5 The world won't always understand

Adaptation is the name of our game. We support first responders so they can support others. The situation is unpredictable, uncontrollable, unforgiving, and unrecognizable to some. Perspective is a powerful thing. It helps us to gain empathy, develop understanding, adjust our point of view, and perhaps see through someone else's eyes. It is not a skill everyone naturally possesses, but it can be learned.

In some cases, as a new parent, you will hear suggestions that are well intended but inapplicable because of our lifestyle. Kindly tell these people "Thank you" and discard the suggestion in the bin. Although well meaning, there are just some things we can't apply to our lives. An example of this is part-time childcare. We looked into this, and unless they serve first responders, it is a set schedule in most places (select days and times). In our world, that is just not feasible.

When our first baby was born, I found a mom's group at work that was very supportive. However, I often had to remind the group of solo parenting or single parents because everyone would suggest topics or events that assumed everyone had a partner parent all the time. Keep this in mind: When we remind those around us of the uniqueness of our lifestyle, we aren't complaining or wanting to be the center of attention. We are creating awareness.

As a new parent and a first responder partner, you will face challenges, but you will also find success! There is a balance, and that takes time. Give yourself grace and look for the people who support you—yourself included! Manage your expectations while on shift, and the superpower you already possess will ignite within you. Give it a place to grow and develop, and she will show you what she's got.

For those of you reading this post with additional amazing ideas or suggestions, please share them in the comments!

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