Parenting Through Transitions: Supporting Each Other Through Life Changes

In a recent Mel Robbins podcast episode, she discussed a ten-year study on how much time we spend with people. This got me thinking:" If we analyzed the remaining time we have with people, how would it impact our behavior if we knew change is inevitable?"

Let's explore how young people and their parents can support each other through major life transitions, such as moving away for college, starting a career, or entering adulthood.

As parents, we provide for our kids while guiding them to be good people and productive citizens. So, how do we respond when they start to take on more independence? What steps do we take to navigate the change in family dynamics?

In the average American’s teenage years, they spend most of their time alone and with their family. This makes sense, as most people under 18 still live in a home with their nuclear family unit, meaning parents and siblings. Not surprisingly, adolescence is also when time spent with friends peaks. (World Economic Forum, 2022)

If we evaluate this statement by the World Economic Forum, a ten-year study, and establish what this means. It tells us that while young people spend most of their time with family, they also spend time with friends.

We could develop two theories here. First, we spend a reasonable amount of time with family. Second, our learned practices in independence and socialization come from our families. And how much of this influence changes as our children develop relationships outside their home?

As a parent of a six-year-old and a three-year-old, it is not lost on me that we have limited time with them. As our kids grow, conversations between my husband and I have become more about what we want them to learn and the skills we want them to have when we are not there. However, the sadness I feel when I know they no longer want to cuddle and spend time with me can be heartbreaking. It is almost identical to the joy I feel when they develop their opinions or successfully communicate their needs to their teacher or another person.

It can be hard to let go of something you had a hand in creating. A person who emulates you at every turn and idolizes your every move. Yes, those days of dress-up are among us. I will soon be someone who is replaced with friends and no longer the person they want to share their deepest, darkest secrets with.

Hard? Yes, although isn't that what we want as parents? Aren't the signs of success identified by how well they can navigate the world around them, as opposed to how well they can navigate while we are there to help them do it? Perhaps. It depends on what you, as parents, use to define success.

Let's dive into that. What does success for your kids look like for you? How do you know your kids are successful? Are these the traditional identifying characteristics of success? Or does that look different? Defining that with your spouse or even openly identifying it with your kids can and will bring you closer.

Define what success looks like

For those reading this who still have your parents' voice in their heads, good or bad, this is evidence that your kids are listening to you, too. Young people want to learn and are constantly absorbing their environment. Yet, they only see the surface of our success as parents. They only experience their environment as it is currently, not the road it took to create that reality. As they share their experience with you, listen to them. Evaluate the similarities and differences in how you each define success.

Is there a difference in how your children define success? Bring it up in a respectful, loving, supportive dinner conversation. Keep in mind that your kids have a different filter. They see the world through different eyes, which are younger, sometimes more intelligent, and very aware of the world around them. Establish rules of engagement to support and reinforce success and what it means in your family.

Take in the moments when they want to share with you. I encourage you to reserve your opinions, suggestions, and advice. Yup, easier said than done. After a night of discussion, it's homework time! Everyone on their own will list three goals that move them towards success. Three goals that answer the question below:

• How will you know when you've become successful?

  • What does it look like?

  • Sounds like?

  • Feel like?

  •  Smell like?

• Once you have achieved success, what steps do you take to maintain it?

  • Do you have any habits that need to be adjusted?

  • How can you support their definition of success?

An example of this could be, "I want my kid to be independent." And goals for that would look like, "They complete tasks without my asking, or they remember chores without reminding."

An example of your young person could be, "I want to be independent." Some goals for them would be, "I want my mom to understand I can make decisions on my own, or I want to be trusted to stay out late and come home safe."

Compare your answers. What did you learn?

When I meet with students in my profession, I often hear feedback that they aren't fully sharing their experiences with their parents. They also seem to have a misunderstood narrative of their parents' expectations. It's not that parents want their kids to succeed, but the students don't. I find that their ideas of success are frequently not aligned.

Find alignment: Why is it important? Last I checked, no two human beings are the same—nope, not even twins. I am one, so I am experienced there. Alignment allows for shared understanding and acceptance. Notice I didn't say anything about the agreement. When family dynamics change, disagreement is inevitable. Change is a constant within families. So, how do we align our vision of success when the transition is happening? Continuous communication, checking in, and understanding.

The activity above supports communication and checking in. How do we create understanding? This can take time. To start, listen and observe. Listen to your kids, your spouse, and yourself. Each point of view matters when your family is trying to come to an understanding. Why? Again, no two humans are the same in how they experience the world.

Write it down.

Take notes or keep a journal. Encourage your kids to share their experiences. I realize I didn't say this would be easy. Active listening or comprehensive listening can also increase your chances of alignment. After all, that is the goal, right? To connect in times of transition.

Keep in mind that most young people have a hard time reaching out when they are struggling. The same goes for achieving success. When you were young, did you have it all together? Nope. Think about the people who were influential in achieving your success. Identify the needs you recognize in retrospect.

Change is never easy on either side, so I invite you to have grace with yourself and your family. Consider documenting your experience as they are doing the same. Although you are in the same family unit and going through the transition together, how you experience change will be different.

Be mindful of the difference between wanting success for your kids and wanting success to avoid the pitfalls of failure. Reflect on your experience. Where did failure serve you? What have you achieved because you failed at something else? Keep that in mind as you watch them from afar. Supporting in transition can be a balancing act. Find what is suitable for your family. Our young people are capable of more than they give themselves credit for. Trust in that; after all, you taught them much of what they know.

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