The Fear Factor: 5 ways Shared Challenges Bring Us Closer

Have you ever wished you could do the thing that scares you the most? Something about seeing others do incredible things motivates us to overcome our own fears. In this post, we discuss five ways shared challenges bring us closer.

In 2019, I decided to conquer many of my fears simultaneously. I signed up for a fitness retreat in Costa Rica. The safe part was that I knew one of the fitness directors, so I took the leap. I committed myself to going on a week-long trip with eight other strangers. I had zero ideas about what I wanted or needed from this trip. All I knew was that I was still trying to find my identity after having our daughter, and I needed a break from life.

Little did I know this would be a life-changing trip. In this post we share five tips to overcome fear. Up until this point in my life, my fears kept me from becoming the person I wanted to be. To encourage a change in my behavior, I committed to a trip that would challenge all of them. As we discuss each of the five ways to overcome fears, identify how they can apply to your own life and allow you to discover new ways to challenge your own fears.

Self-awareness is a key factor to changing our behavior. It is also important to overcome fears. Developing an awareness of the root of our fear gives us more power in overcoming the fear. In essence fear is about power after all. Once we establish more self-awareness of our fear, we are able to evaluate our behavior based on the power our fear holds over us.

Connection also matters. In social settings we can be influenced by others' actions when we observe their behavior. We observe the reward others receive when they achieve a goal. We are then motivated by their reward to overcome our own fears which minimizes the risk we previously perceived as more valuable. Social influence can essentially minimize our fears through witnessing others' potential to overcome their own fears. In a way, that power is contagious.

#1 Fear of failure - Shift the problem into an opportunity

Fear of failure makes us feel like we are not going to measure up. We tend to create this narrative that we won't meet expectations, or we aren't going to become that person we want to be. The question becomes, "can we do it?" When the question should be "why can't we do it?". That simple shift changes the narrative and tells our brain this is an opportunity, not a problem.

Connecting with others during a moment of fear allows a shared expression of emotion. In the moment of fear our perspective can impact our experience of said fear. When I was preparing to go on the fitness retreat, I was only thinking about my experience. The internal fears I had to overcome in my preparation, were from an individual perspective.

Stop and evaluate where the fear is coming from to shift our perspective, which also shifts our narrative. This simple act minimizes the power of our fear. In retrospect, had I challenged my doubt and fear of failure by asking, "What if these other women share my fear? And I get to experience them conquer their fears too?". That simple question shifts the concern into an opportunity instead of a problem. Instead, I questioned my ability to keep up in the workouts (first fitness retreat). I had a huge fear of failure and being excepted. Several questions raced through my mind, as I began to wonder if this was the right place for me. What was the narrative I was creating in trying to answer this question? Researchers are finding that second-guessing our decisions is a way for our brain to protect us when we are in the decision-making process.

So the questions I perceived as second guessing my decision, were really my brain's way of going through a check list of details once I had made my decision to go on this trip. That common fear of "oh no, can I do this?" is a natural response to something new and challenging.

Think of a time when you made a decision on something big, to accept that job offer or to buy the new car. There is a moment when we "talk ourselves into it or away from it" our mind is conditioned to respond by how we perceive the challenge that comes after the decision. In the case of my fitness retreat, I wanted to answer the question of "am I a person who participates in these types of retreats successfully?"

What I hadn't considered, and what we usually don't consider, is other's perspective or experience in the same process. I had not considered the eight other women who, at different times, were also going through a second-guessing process of their own. What I would later learn is that we each had struggles we were going through, and this leap would lead us each to a place where growth and progress was possible. But only if we overcame the fear of failure and said "yes", which required each of us to see the opportunity to move beyond our fear.

#2 Fear of being accepted - finding our identity

Our need to fit in is a natural part of our evolution as human beings. Our ancestors' need to be accepted was a part of their survival. Tribes were created to provide protection and secure growth of our species. Tribes were also considered a way to preserve territory or communities prior to when colonization became more mainstream. As we evolve, our brain is constantly working to defend us from harm, such as isolation or perceived threats.

Going into a social setting where I knew almost no one, on an island I'd never been to, in a remote location in Costa Rica was going to be a huge challenge for me. My comfort zone, and identity were going to be challenged. The process of second guessing my choice to attend and questioning if I was the type of person who attends these retreats played into my fear of being accepted as well. Think of a time when you felt vulnerable. What thoughts raced through your mind? Which ones did you listen to and which ones did you dismiss?

We develop an identity based on our experiences and how we associate with others. When fear develops regarding a situation that will be potentially challenging, both individual identity and social identity, this can easily become perceived as a threat, thus fear exists as protection. When we find ourselves in potentially vulnerable situations it can be tough to let down our guard and just be. Building an awareness of our vulnerabilities can help us to identify when our identity is being challenged.

An awareness of the fear allows us to address it.  Creating more awareness or naming the fear does two things. First, it identifies an opportunity for growth, by stating the fear. Second, it brings the fear into focus and minimizes the control it has over our behavior.

The first day I was terrified to go on the zipline. I have a fear of heights and was struggling with my confidence. I shared my fear with others and knew I needed to do something to ease my nerves. I requested we get a photo before we go and was acting silly to try to ignore my nerves. What I didn't realize at the time was that my attempt to calm myself, was helping the group. As we each shared, I realized we all shared similar fears about taking the leap to come on this trip. By making the choice to be vulnerable, it allowed space for others to share their vulnerabilities as well.

The fear of being accepted is an illusion. It is a narrative we create and a belief we tell ourselves unconsciously. Developing an awareness of our fears and the narrative we hold in that space, allows us to better understand how connections around us affect our ability to overcome those fears. As social beings the more we share and create space for vulnerability, the more likely we are to help support each other to move through our fears to become who we want to be.

“To be the person who we long to be—we must again be vulnerable. We must take off the armor, put down the weapons, show up, and let ourselves be seen.” - Brene Brown

#3 Fear of losing control - security over serenity

Think of a time when you were about to do something, and you wanted it to go well. Were you stressed? Or maybe even scared? Are you the person who needs to know what is happening or where you are going next? Well, that is all normal. Research shows psychologically we need to process everything around us, we constantly are looking to determine what we can control.

This desire for control gives us a sense of focus and centers our purpose. Next time you have a friend say, "My inner control freak is coming out." tell them to rest easy because we all have the need for control. Those who are perceived to have control simply have more awareness of the inner conflict they are dealing with. The perception that we can control what happens around us is really all about how we respond internally to the fact that we have very little control. This psychological response can be complex but is like any other muscle in our bodies. See more about this in Dr. K's (Psychologist who studies effects on gamers) video.

For me control is all about security and confidence. When we feel like we are in a space of confidence and are secure we have a sense that everything is going well and we are good. When that sense of security is challenged, we begin to question our confidence thus we need to adjust to what is happening around us.

Our response when our security is challenged is based on how well we have trained our psychological muscles to adapt and adjust when life shifts. When we recognize our need for control and verbalize it, we release the need to have it. Can you spot the fear on my face in the picture to the left? I was about to go on my first zipline, in this moment I had to let go and just let it be.

My husband often encourages me to let go in moments of fear. Life will figure itself out. It's not always easy for me to take that advice because I want the security of knowing what will come. When we find ourselves in these moments, our awareness becomes a key to overcoming any fears that may arise. Once we release control, we find serenity on the other side. The joy and freeness of letting what will be just to be, is a big win.

#4 Fear of the unknown - Trust in the process

If we were Marty McFly or Doc, in Back to the Future we would have no fears of the unknown. Otherwise, the future is unknown. The unknown creates an uneasiness for multitude of reasons. Specifically, our inability to know what is coming. And it often can create a great amount of fear. If we view our bodies and minds as muscles which we are constantly developing, the perception of the unknown shifts. Stick with me here for a minute. Imagine if someone told you that the habits you have today will allow you to automatically live until you are 75. You begin to imagine what your 75-year-old self looks like and feels like. What we don't imagine in this example is the road it took to get to that person. We just imagine the end result. The process to get anywhere is a grind. It is full of twists and turns that pop up seemingly out of nowhere. And yet, some people adapt better than others.

As we challenge our fears and continue even though we have no idea what will unfold, we trust in the process. Everything has a process. I trusted that the trip to Costa Rica would give me exactly what I was looking for, so I leaned in. Perhaps the process of that fitness regimen or new project at work are all a part of the challenges that will unfold to help us become the person we want to be. Along the way the people involved in that process also matter. Why? Their connections allow us to become more aware of our progress.

My fear on the zipline dissipated when I expressed the fear(vulnerability) and let go (trusted the process). On the first zipline we supported each other in our fears and encouraged each other to move through them with compassion and understanding. We immediately challenged each other and supported one another. All the fears of the unknown were no longer. I was in the moment and taking it all in. The picture here shows our amazing ziplining trip. We were just getting started.

By receiving feedback, we are able to evaluate where we are in the process. Feedback reinforces our trust in the process or requires us to reevaluate our goals. Our awareness impacts our behavior which affects how we experience the world. I was determined to connect with others and be free to experience something new. Once I established that, the unknown was just the unknown. It shifted from a fear to an opportunity because I trusted the process and let it all unfold.

"The willingness to show up changes us. It makes us a little braver each time. " - Brene Brown

# 5 - Fear of our greatness - The uncertainty to letting ourselves be seen.

Potential is a strong word for a reason. It is filled with possibility and hope. There is immense power in that word alone. So why aren't we able to fulfill our potential on a regular basis? People struggle with this of various reasons. Perhaps for some, they don't want to stand out. For others, it may be that they aren't fully aware of what they are capable of or at least don't believe in it. For most, it seems we are simply fearful of our power. The effect we could have on others and the influence we could live up to.

Vulnerability is a good place to start. Again, expressing a fear of our capabilities is completely natural and necessary. Because responsibility comes with greatness. When we live up to our greatness, we put up a mirror to others to see themselves and what they are lacking, which is a difficult view. When we elevate our standards, it can be hard for others to move around us in the ways they did prior to our change. It can be uncomfortable and hard to adjust, so avoidance of the challenge is typically the easier road.

Another possibility when living up to our greatness is the potential to bring others up with us. Our ability to influence and inspire others to see greatness within themselves is a more favorable outcome. So, to overcome the fear of if/when that will happen, as we discussed in number four, trust the process.

For those who are uncomfortable being in the spotlight, living up to higher standards does not set us above others. It simply expresses an expectation of the standard you expect of yourself. People may join you or the road may be lonely, but only for a while. One lesson I learned from my trip is that we attract the type of people we want around us by setting expectations and standards for ourselves.

Conclusion

When we shift our narrative, we turn the problem into an opportunity. We next find our identity by connecting with others, the power of our awareness grows and alleviates any concerns about the unknown. We are then able to step into our greatness and move into the person we have always wanted to be. Share in the comments your process of growth and how you overcome your fears.

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