Things We Love - Creating Lasting Bonds: Habit Building for Stronger Communities and Social Networks

Utilizing tips and tricks from James Clear's Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habit and Break Bad Ones, we expand the discussion beyond individual relationships to explore how habit-building practices can strengthen community bonds and foster a sense of belonging. In this post, I will offer examples of community-driven habits and initiatives that promote connection and collective well-being.

Let's begin by talking about how we got here. I often hear comments from well-meaning mentors such as, "Well, in my day...." and "Back before social media...." attempting to give advice and support the success of their mentees. Generational differences can distort the identification of the real problem. Our environment evolves. My teenage environment will not be the same for my kids when they are in their teens. A coworker's experience will not be the same as mine, even in the same room and during the same conversation. Therefore, our connections and ability to connect are different.

In thinking about my experience, I realized it isn't necessarily the technology. Our habit has created issues with belongingness and connection. Our habits surround the use of technology and the ease it brings to our lives. To give a little background on my era, I was still using pay phones in high school, and Instant Messenger was my first chat option in college. MySpace was a thing, and Facebook was only available if you were enrolled in college. T9 still existed as a text option, and CDs were all the rage when creating playlists for my friends.

Ok, so let's talk about what matters here. Belongingness and connection lie in how we approach the world and the response from others. So, how do habits play a role in our experience of the world? Our habits, created by our daily actions, determine how we experience the world around us and the return on our investment within it. James Clear breaks down some great tips and tricks regarding habits in his book, which I won't discuss directly. You can find his book and details here to learn more. I will break down my takeaways of how our habits impact the connection currency we give and receive with others, which creates our connection opportunities and challenges along the way.

Currency

I recently heard a podcast about managing money and making better decisions. I realized our relationships are very much the same. The outstanding Gottman Institute discusses ways to impact the currency in relationships. What do we mean by currency? Currency, in the traditional sense, is a transaction between two entities. Let's relate this to our connections. Initial interactions are opportunities to size each other up. We determine if there is a foundation for more or if this interaction will provide an opportunity for a deeper connection.

Context also applies here. We then need to answer a few questions. Will we be making a long-term deposit? Or will it be a simple transaction? Will we be investing in this relationship? If so, is it professional or personal? Do we need more to establish the relationship? Once we have established the type of transaction and determined the amount of time we want to invest in it, we can move to the next step.

What is the next step? We can establish currency rules once we have defined how we want this connection to serve us. Just as you can determine where your paycheck is deposited, you can choose where your energy is spent in relationships. How does that relate to our habits? According to Clear's book, our habits are determined by four laws: 1- Make it obvious, 2- Make it attractive, 3- Make it easy, and 4 - Make it satisfying.

I recommend you look here to get the book and simple tools. Although I feel the concepts are simple and easy to employ in any lifestyle, I am not benefiting from promoting the book.

Envision yourself doing it.

Ease of use determines the likelihood of continuing to invest in a relationship. Also, if certain relationships are automatic, such as location or frequency, they tend to be easier to maintain. But what about the depth of our relationships? The depth tends to be the more complicated part of building relationships and developing a sense of belonging.

Think about a time when you were involved with a project at work or had a family event to attend. Who were the people you gravitated to quickly? What about the people there that made you even want to show up? The interactions, or lack of interactions, we have with others matter. Once we discover where relationship habits can become more accessible, and we see ourselves doing it, we are more likely to follow through on commitments to others or develop connections that impact us the way we want.

As hard as it may be, close your eyes and think about the space you were in during COVID-19. The way you felt, the sounds you heard or didn't hear, and your everyday environment. If you close your eyes and wait, what comes to your mind? What thoughts reemerge from that time? How does that make you feel today? The emotions that linger when you think of that time have to do with how your brain responded to that moment. That is stored away and saved, just like memories; the feelings are there, too. Our relationship habits help to reinforce the good and minimize the adverse effects of connecting with others.

One example from my own life. I am often the first to reach out and suggest a get-together with friends. Getting people together is not difficult for me. However, several friends have expressed stress overreaching out to people to plan a get-together. Often, the fear of rejection or simply not receiving a response can be enough to deter people from even making the effort. One simple habit to help is telling yourself you will do your part and envision what you want. The rest is up to them. This removes any pressure to have a specific outcome; once you have reached out, you have done your part. If it happens, great; if not, you have practiced a new habit that will stick with time and continued practice.

Make it Attractive

How much more would your relationships improve if they were automatic and attractive to you? Humans are drawn to things that look appealing. If we relate this to food, what emotions arise when we eat certain foods? Do certain foods give us energy? Now, relate that to connections. If we take a moment and think about the connections we have every day, such as waking up in the morning, in the car, at work, coming home, and eating dinner, Each place has a connection, or lack of connection, with someone. Those connections either provide us with more energy or deplete our energy sources.

So, when we approach certain people, do we consider that interaction a habit? Or are we simply going through the motions and doing what we have always done? Regarding attractiveness, are we gaining something from interacting with certain people? Does the attractiveness of the interaction change our feelings or motivation to initiate the conversation? For example, how could we make this interaction attractive if we needed to have a difficult conversation with our boss? How could we shift our perspective to find something positive out of the conversation?

Finding ways to make interactions with others in our lives more attractive can be complicated at first; however, the more we practice that process, the more we will naturally see the benefit of interactions with others. So, how do we make this an easy part of our day?

Make it Easy

My husband responds to my need to try new Pinterest recipes. He says we aren't trying it if it has more than five steps. He believes, "If it's not easy, it's not worth the effort." Is he right? Well, sometimes. In this case, he has a valid point. Clear talks about the fact that our brains naturally look for the least resistance path. That is why instant meals are popular; are they satisfying? Maybe, but that is a different part of this process.

How do we make connecting with others easy? First, proximity. How many people do we interact with at the grocery store? How many people do we interact with on social media? The main goal of making connections easy is to decrease the number of steps we need to complete to connect with someone.

Second, this is also where automation lives. How many connections are automatic in our lives? Family? Work? Public service? Each of these will guarantee we interact and require relationships built with others.

Think about a typical day. When is the most convenient day for automatic connections to be built? Is it during trivia or a bowling league after work? Or is it at work or home? Becoming more mindful of the automation of our lives is not necessarily bad. Are all of our connections positive? Not necessarily, but they do all impact internal dialogue and well-being.

We gravitate to things that are satisfying and easy. Believe it or not, our brain is lazy. As we've said, it wants the least path of resistance and the most fun. So, how do we apply satisfaction to building relationships with others? Once we've established what is easy in building relationships, we need to determine what makes them satisfying.

Make it Satisfying

Clear mentions in his book that making a habit satisfying will increase the likelihood of maintaining it. Making it attractive draws us to those habits. So, how does this transition to connecting with others? Easy, look at the brain. Humans are naturally designed for connection. Receptors in our brains instantly turn on when we connect with another person. When we touch someone, it intensifies the connection.

So what about the feeling (receptors in our brain) that makes the experience of connecting satisfying for us? How does it make us feel? What thoughts do we have during or after the connection is made?

Think of a time you had a fantastic conversation with someone out of nowhere and walked away or said goodbye. Your energy increased, you had a goofy smile, and maybe a skip in your step. Why? This satisfies you and impacts your body due to the receptors in your brain and your body's need for connection to survive.

Increasing research has shown that our brain waves sync when we connect with other people. Think about a concert or an athletic event. When everyone in the crowd is on the same "wavelength," there is just this electric feeling in the air. If you haven't had that experience, I encourage you to try it out. This is an excellent example of the impact of connection on our system.

How a relationship or connection is satisfying can look different for everyone. The next time you have a good feeling about a meeting, a great first date, or a thirty-fifth date, write down the response your body is having. Is your heart beating? Are your eyes dilated? Are you on a "high"? These things could be signs of a satisfying relationship or connection.

Similarly, pay attention to what is not satisfying for you. It is just as important to figure out what creates a negative connection and why it may harm us. Again, this varies for everyone.

Conclusion

Creating habits takes time, as does creating meaningful and joyful connections. We need connections to survive. Therefore, finding more ways to create a habit of connection with intention and meaning can have a bigger impact on more than just ourselves. We can also pay it forward by inspiring others to make better, more meaningful connections.

If you like this post and want to learn more, check out our website for additional resources or tools to connect with yourself or those you love.