Three Takeaways from Super Communicators That Will Transform Your Conversations

We recently completed the book Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection by renowned author Charles Duhigg. From this book, we walked away with three takeaways that resonate with communicating effectively with others. With the holiday season approaching, join us to discover how our takeaways can simplify your life and empower your communication with others.

We recommend anyone purchase it tobetter understand all types of communication and conversationr. It will empower you to connect confidently and control with people in those conversations.

In this post, we will share three takeaways from the book.

• Creating clarification by asking, "What is this about?"

• Creating understanding by asking, "How do we feel?"

• Developing curiosity by asking, "Who are we?"

Creating Clarification

Let's start with clarification. Most issues, concerns, or misunderstandings in conversation involve clarification. Often, confusion leads to the following question: What is this conversation about? What are we talking about? Duhigg suggests that clarification allows for better alignment. This can be important when establishing rapport or gaining another person's trust. Clarification creates a foundation for the conversation. We cannot establish a connection or create communication that moves forward if we disagree with our reason for the discussion.

Often, we discuss ways to solve a problem, think through an idea, or help someone understand our point of view. By clarifying the conversation, Duhigg explains that the "What is this about?" portion of a conversation is the jumping-off point for the rest of our communication. Understanding how one another feels in a specific discussion allows us to connect and be on the same page, which makes space for alignment. We want to be in alignment with someone that we're talking to. We look for understanding by the questions that we ask. Although, we cannot gain clarification if we don't ask the right questions.

Duhigg explains that each conversation reaches a crossroads. At that point, we decide whether to have a surface-level understanding or dig deeper to discover what we discuss. This determination seems fluid and can change as we go through the conversation.

An example might be when we have general questions such as, "How is your day going?" or " How are you doing today?" Most would have a general surface-level answer, and minimal connection would be made. Duhigg suggests a slight alteration of our questions, which may be, "What has been the best part of your day?" allows us to get at the heart of the conversation more meaningfully. As humans, we tend to shy away from or avoid discussing emotions. So, altering the question without directly mentioning feelings opens space for vulnerability to create a connection.

Checking for Understanding

Words are powerful. One word can change the intention of a question. When we ask someone, "How was your day?" We are looking for more details about how they are at that moment. However, one shift in the question can change the intention and the result of engagement with an answer. By asking, "What has been the best part of your day?" we are still asking how their day went. However, we are setting up our question to give critical indicators of how we would like that question to be answered. This also creates an opportunity for the conversation to be more profound.

We'll say to someone, "Tell me about yourself." It gives you a sense of how someone might see the world, right? By asking a specific question, their response can give you an understanding of their experience. If you were to say, "Where are you from?" That's one question versus saying, "What is the best place you've ever lived in?" Essentially, the same questions. In essence, you want to find the geographical location of where this person is from where they lived. However, the second question requires the response to provide an emotional memory. It allows you to show vulnerability without intentionally implying that you want vulnerability. There is power in the capability of a slight shift to create vulnerability in our conversations without making it awkward or uncomfortable.

We are finding the why in our conversations can be meaningful. Creating space for empathy for others allows us to show we are listening. In creating empathy, we build better connections and understanding just by simply looking for it. However, it can be hard to do in real-time without using that good old buzzword, emotions. Duigg shares more about the necessity of finding empathy in our conversations. This forces us to listen intentionally and opens space to see conversations from the other person's perspective. However, we can't do this without moving into our conversations with curiosity.

Developing Curiosity

When we look at conversations and the process of learning about new people and making connections in the frame of curiosity, we're essentially asking, "Who are we?" As such, we unconsciously try to identify who we are in conversation. Each of us has two identities we bring to a conversation. We get our identity and our social identity. In those contexts, we are evaluating the conversation from both vantage points. Does this person identify with my social identity or my identity? If so, what does that mean about me? It creates a connection by remaining curious about how those identities align in the conversation. We are looking for our identities to connect. Our brains are designed to search for it unconsciously.

Even though we have established connections, there will be conflict. It is essential to continue approaching conversations with curiosity in times of conflict. When we approach with curiosity, we want to learn more about the other person. This allows us to define values and to create understanding, which we discussed above.

When we are in conversation, we tend to take a defensive stance when we are confronted with different values. By placing that upset aside to discover where this person is coming from, we allow space for better understanding and a moment to learn more about them.

This can be difficult for most. Listening can be a key to understanding. In his book, Charles Duhigg does a great job of providing examples and scenarios of how to move through challenging conversations. He discusses ways to gain clarity on what this is about, how we feel about it, and who we are in these conversations. Each of these questions guides us through tools we can use to approach tough conversations. These prompts allow us to develop tools to create trust and understanding.

Conclusion

The tools gained from Super Communicators allow us to connect with people in ways that provide a sense of vulnerability without feeling vulnerable, a sense of empathy without feeling that all we did was hash out our feelings, and a sense of being heard just by listening.

We recommend this book to anyone who wants to understand themselves better and those around them with clarity and compassion. It's a beautiful thing. Try it! We want to hear more of your thoughts on this book. Share in the comments. We look forward to hearing from you. 

If you like this post and want to learn more, visit our website for additional resources or tools to connect with yourself or those you love.