Understanding the Challenges of Connection within First Responder Lifestyle: Navigating Shift Work and Stress

Marriage is hard, full stop. It's complicated and can be messy at times. There are choices and decisions, feelings and emotions, and ups and downs. What is that like in a first responder home? All of this and much more is discussed in this post.

My husband has been a firefighter for almost 20 years. In that time, we dated, married, and started a family. Navigating the complications of a long-term relationship can be challenging enough. Add someone who is in and out and, at times, physically or emotionally unavailable, making it even more fun. I am not here to compare first-responder homes to non-first-responder homes. Each has its challenges. However, I want to speak to my experience and address that typical marital advice does not always apply to us.

A typical schedule, lifestyle, and routines are not in the cards. So, what does it look like to manage a lifelong commitment to someone who serves and protects others? Complicated, and very fulfilling at the same time.

In this post we break down ways connection becomes vital to maintaining or moving on from a commitment to someone who serves others. I don't want to claim I have all the answers, my hope with this post is to empower readers to have conversations to support their needs. We have friends who have successful relationships and others who have chosen different avenues after living the first responder lifestyle.

Let's talk for a second about how your connection with your partner can impact the relationship and your family. Not only is connection important with your spouse, but it is also relevant with your children, your network, and your partner's network. Each group plays a role in developing your connection with each other and satisfaction within your home.

Connection with your partner:

This is obvious, although can be a bit more complicated than the simple logistics of living your life and supporting each other. Shift work and first responders have a unique role in our society. They often are misunderstood. The demand on them plays a role in their lives, with the impact their professional choice might have on the ones who support them.

Why it matters:

• Feedback to function - First and foremost, I always ask my partner how their night was when they come home from shift. Why? To set expectation for the day. How much can I rely on this person to be a partner today? How much time do I need to allow them to recover? Each are equally important for us to function as a unit. I once heard Brene Brown talk about how a marriage is not always 50/50 but sometimes 90/10 or 80/20 and so on. I completely agree. I need feedback from them to know how much I need to contribute to our team today. I also want feedback about how he is doing and where I can depend on or need to allow grace with him.

• Support when it's hard. - Listening to your partner is important. However, listening for what they aren't saying is just as important. Respecting their boundaries is a form of support. I need to share when I am stressed, to get it out of me. He is different and often will not share his worst day with me. He simply shows up and informs me he had a rough few calls and will need some time. Our stressors at work are different, however it doesn't discount that we both have stress. Let me be clear, I am not downplaying my stress at work. However, I do acknowledge that work puts a different stress response on my body. So, if my partner doesn't want to share, there is a reason. First responders often don't want to rehash what they experienced. Even though I want to know every detail and be right there with him because that is how I choose to support him, that is not what he needs in that moment. In order to allow connection, respecting his perspective is key.

• Grab the reins when they can't do it alone. - My mom says, "raising kids is the hardest thing you will ever do together." I'm sure parents would agree to that. Although at times it can be easy to grow resentful because when my partner is gone, I am left to do what needs to be done. There have definitely been times when I'm over it all. I find that simply voicing our frustrations and resentment about the situation, and not towards each other, can enhance our connection in the moment. I've realized it is just as difficult for him to be away knowing shit is going down at home and he can't do much about it. Murphy's Law for First Responders is anything bad always happens on shift. So, I tend to put on my big girl panties and take care of it. Or call him a thousand times until we figure it out.

Connection with your kids:

We all want to be connected to our kids. However, with a parent who is gone and often in dangerous situations, it can add a layer of stress that goes unseen. Kids are resilient and can hide the impact in order to support their parents or not 'rock the boat.' This can create an experience for our kids that we are unaware of. I did not grow up in a first responder family, however I have friend who did. She shared it can be a constant battle between feelings of resentment and support.

Why it matters:

• Resentment can build - Children thrive when their needs are met. In a first responder family it helps us to be mindful of the space for resentment to build when one parent is not around. They develop a sense that mom or dad is not always available. Connection is necessary to help establish an understanding that they are still important and the commitment to work is different than, but not more important than, their needs at home. It is also important to talk about any upset with our kids. I find that if I voice my frustration, it allows my girls to do so as well. It is completely normal to be upset when dad can't come to swim or a meeting at school because he had to take care of someone else.

• Milestones are missed - This is a simple fact with any first responder family. Developing an understanding with kids that they are supported by more than just mom or dad is important. Building connection through an established routine can help them feel seen and heard when one parent is gone or absent. I've found that teaching my kids to support dad when he is gone can be uplifting to him as well. I also lean heavily on my network. Work, family, friend, they all provide support to our family when I'm on my own.

• Collective sacrifice for others - For kids and young people, they want to feel a sense of purpose. Give that to them. Connect them to the greater sense of purpose served by sharing daddy with others. Connect them to the understanding that by giving daddy away for a few days, he is able to help others who need it. Let's be honest, this helps me too.

Connection with your network:

I am a verbal processor. I often verbalize my frustration or other feelings in the moment. Then later I go back and ruminate over my response. The more work I do for myself, I am learning how to respond better in the moment. I am able to understand more about myself and process faster why I am upset or what the real underlying reason is that I am angry or hurt.

Why it matters:

• We can't go it alone: A network is helpful. Connecting with people who support me and helping them to understand how much they help when I am on my own is vital. Although it took me a while to get to this place. When the girls were babies, I felt like I had to do it all on my own. I thought I had a point to prove to make things work and do it all myself. My network has changed that perspective.
  

• Your network is bigger than you think: Those neighbors you see, or parents of your kid's friends are all people in your network. No parents close by? No problem, find that teacher from daycare who always seems to understand when you are late and make them feel seen. A small note or thank you can go a long way. I firmly feel it is harder to accept help than to ask for it. We live in this weird culture where asking for help is perceived as a weakness or asking for a handout. What if we need a hand up? We can't climb alone. Plus, it's no fun celebrating the wins alone.
  

• Be real. We all have shit: I tend to tell my students, "Look, we all have shit." Our ability to thrive depends on how we deal with what life throws at us. A network allows us the ability to identify with others who share our experience. My husband needs his network and I have mine. We may lean on other people who can best identify with our experience. Is that always each other? Nope. My firefighter wife community is just that. They get me. My teammates are just that. They get me. Who is your network and what to the provide you? Do you have to interact with your network every day? Nope. One simple interaction with someone who understands allows us an opportunity to connect.
  

Support looks different for everyone. In my experience, first responders need that support to thrive and keep the community safe. I like to think supporting my husband to be at his best is an opportunity to do my part to impact something bigger than myself. Each day I work on myself to contribute all I am to my family and the community around me. I recognize it's not about me. Using the tools above, I build myself up with courage and faith that the world will go right today. If it does, he comes home and so do you.

Like this post and want to learn more, check out our website for additional resources or tools to connect with yourself or those you love.