Why Self-Love Isn’t Selfish: A Fire Wife’s Guide to Prioritizing You

Over the years, I've had my share of breakdowns, meltdowns, and days where I thought I couldn't do it anymore. Case in point: I got a call from my husband about ten years ago. He was calm and just said, "I'm ok, but I want you to know we ran a call today on a patient who has mad cow disease." my heart dropped. He said it would be a few days before they would know the results, but all the guys on the call would be tested and would know soon if any of them were exposed to it. Of course, I immediately did what he told me not to. I'm looking at you, Google. I used the framework below to get through this situation, although I didn't realize it then.

There are aspects of living with a first responder that you cannot control, and it can be challenging. Our mind is such a powerful tool when we look at the illusion of control. The more we try to tame it, the less we feel we can do so. When we let go of the need to control it and work on our response to what we can't control, we are better equipped to process all we go through. We are also much more capable than we realize to move through challenging situations.

At Next Step Connect, our framework to support spouses in the fire services does precisely this. By coaching and helping other spouses in the fire service, we work to redirect their experience to empower them instead of depleting them. Let's discuss the framework. We use the acronym V.O.I.C.E to suggest that each spouse has a unique journey to find what works for them.

Next Step Connect V.O.I.C.E. Coaching Framework

V - Value

Module Title: Recognizing Your Worth and the Fire Family Dynamic

• Focus:

  • Identifying personal values and strengths as a firefighter spouse.

  • Understanding the shared values of the fire service culture and how they intersect with family life.

  • Learning to prioritize self-worth while balancing the needs of the family.

• Example Activities:

  • Create a personal "Values Map."

  • Group discussions on balancing sacrifice and self-care.

  • Exercises to align personal values with relationship goals.

By coaching spouses to identify and embrace value, we help them become more aware of their strengths and teach them to incorporate those strengths into their lives in a useful and productive way. We also take an oxygen mask approach to our support because we cannot support others without support.

In my situation with my husband, I was reeling at all the what-if situations with whether or not he would be diagnosed. I broke down, consumed by the fear. Once I realized I needed to be supportive of what he was experiencing, I recognized the need to express my emotions and, at the same time, support him in his experience.

O - Open-Minded

Module Title: Adaptability and Perspective in the Fire Life

• Focus:

  • Cultivating flexibility in managing the unpredictable demands of the firefighter lifestyle.

  • Encouraging openness to new ideas, perspectives, and problem-solving approaches.

  • Reframing challenges as opportunities for growth.

• Example Activities:

  • Scenario-based exercises to practice adaptability.

  • Discussions on reframing negative thoughts into positive action.

  • Journaling prompts: "What can I learn from this situation?"

Adaptability is a big part of our lifestyle as firefighter spouses. Coaching spouses in open-minded practice trains them with tools that can help them build their skills in reframing and adapting to situations outside their control.

I needed to remain open-minded in learning my husband was possibly exposed to a disease that could kill him. It was scary, but again, I had no control and was unable to do anything but wait and trust that it would be ok. I also recognized how much he meant to me. At that moment, I had to reframe my response to find out what I could learn from it instead of being afraid of the outcome.

I - Instinctive

Module Title: Trusting Your Gut in Challenging Moments

• Focus:

  • Developing and trusting intuition in decision-making and family dynamics.

  • Building emotional intelligence to respond effectively to stress and conflict.

  • Recognizing and managing triggers that can lead to reactive behavior.

• Activities:

  • Mindfulness exercises to tune into instincts.

  • Role-playing scenarios for making quick decisions in tough situations.

  • Emotional regulation practices like deep breathing or grounding techniques.

Our brains are powerful and full of information we are unaware of. By coaching spouses in awareness and trusting their intuition, we invite them to lean into what they already know and are capable of. We provide leverage to trust themselves when they are questioning their decisions or unsure of the next step.

My gut was the only thing I could use to calm me down. The more I spun out of control, the more I knew I was making more of it in my head, which we spouses are good at sometimes. That big worry word. It can be a bear. Then I listened to my intuition and thought, "If he's not overly concerned, I shouldn't be either." At that moment, I decided to let it go until I heard from him. There was nothing more I could do to change the outcome, so letting it go was the best thing I could have done.

C - Connection and Communication

Module Title: Building Stronger Relationships through Connection

• Focus:

  • Strengthening the emotional bond between firefighter spouses and their families.

  • Mastering effective communication strategies for both everyday conversations and high-stress situations.

  • Addressing the unique challenges of connecting during and after long shifts.

• Activities:

  • "Listening Without Fixing" exercise.

  • Weekly connection rituals for couples or families.

  • Practice with “I” statements and non-verbal communication.

Connection and communication are the foundation of any relationship. In the fire service, these tools keep firefighters safe and working together as a team. In our coaching programs, we identify areas where connection and communication need support and work to provide tools and activities to enhance what is already there and where they can make improvements to establish the best support system at home.

While we were waiting for the results of his test for mad cow disease, I asked him if he was worried. He didn't seem concerned, but that was a typical response—cool, calm, and collected. I communicated my fears and let him know how scared I was; in that moment, I opened myself up to being a bit more vulnerable than I was comfortable with. In a way, it brought us closer, and I felt he saw how much I really cared about him.

E - Empower

Module Title: Stepping into Your Role with Confidence

• Focus:

  • Equipping spouses with tools and resources to thrive emotionally, mentally, and practically.

  • Building self-reliance while fostering a strong family unit.

  • Encouraging leadership within the family and fire spouse community.

• Activities:

  • Personal empowerment plan: Set goals for self-care, career, and family.

  • Community engagement: Share tips, host events, or mentor new fire spouses.

  • Identify and celebrate personal wins and growth milestones.

Knowledge is helpful, but only those who implement it see the benefits of change. In our coaching programs, we follow up to create a feedback loop for empowerment. This allows our clients to seek feedback on whether what they implement at home needs to be adjusted or if they need more time to see progress. This approach also allows our clients to experience what they are capable of without us. After all, we want to get you on your own, even in a space where you can empower others.

Once we got the negative results, I was relieved. I was also still reeling from the news of their exposure. It was a bit of a roller coaster I had not experienced before. I now know it was just another exercise to see if I could take on this emotional ride of being with someone who could be exposed to anything at any time.

This is just one story of the many times we have experienced situations that put us on a tightrope between good and bad outcomes. I tend to believe that each time we are faced with something, as long as we communicate our concerns, trust what we can control, and empower each other to come out on the other side, we will be better for it.

Through our coaching programs, we help spouses do the same through our V.O.I.C.E framework to help spouses become the best version of themselves and for this fantastic community.

If you or anyone you know is interested in learning more about our services, reach out or sign up for a discovery call. We look forward to supporting you. Hang in there!